Summit Winter, grow some balls.

I’m tired of waiting for you to “wow” me. All you do is hang back; non-committal and neutral about this relationship we’ve built. The most you’ve ever done to rock me back is leave a hint here and there that you could be something great. But then you don’t follow-through…and I’m tired of hanging around for you, Summit Winter. If you asked me out now, I might say yes – if everyone else I knew was busy that night, of course – but I’m not gonna get all dressed up for you or anything.

You’re nothing but Bad News Bears, Surly Furious.

I should have listened when everyone tried to tell me that you were bad news. “Don’t fall for it,” they all said. “Surly Furious will just string you along and then leave you high and dry.” I didn’t listen, though. “Oh, they just don’t see what I see in you,” I thought to myself. “Deep down inside lies a sensitive soul just waiting for the right girl to bring it out.”

Wrong! You’re bitter. Unpredictable as in undependable. You left a bad taste in my mouth for a long, long time. You’re strong and aggressive, but not in a hot “I’ll man-handle you” way. More in a rude, offensive, “I wish I would have worn a less-revealing top tonight” way.

Nothing but Bad News Bears, Surly Furious…that’s all you are. This is one bad boy I don’t want to tame.

Gross.

From first sight, I knew it would not be love. Beers in a can always disappoint, no matter how many times I try to turn them into shining knights of armor. They taste of cold metal, give me a slow-dripping buzz, and then leave me the next morning with a headache and low self-esteem. This one was even more deceiving…”Just gimme a chance, baby,” it whispered, hot and seductive in my ear. “I’m honey-coated. You like honey, don’t you, baby…”

Never again, Gluek. I’m over you. This was one one-night-stand I won’t want to remember on those long lonely sober nights.

It was just okay.

I’m an open-minded girl. I’ll give a beer a chance, even if I don’t initially think we’ll make a promising connection. My first interaction with Schell Snowstorm…not so much. I was bored, it was nervous and bumbling. Then, after a few more sips, I started to appreciate it for what it was…a cloying beer that leaves a certain taste in your mouth and a slight buzz in your ears.

I don’t know if we’ll hook up again. There weren’t enough sparks to keep it in my list of beers I want to drink on the regular. Maybe if I’m really bored or something, and it’s, you know…available.